Thursday, October 14, 2004

Rumors ...

Dateline: My Desk
Newsflash: -- Yankee wife-swapping lifts the team

Who really know the truth when such rumors float around? Especially about the gods of the present day. Sports figures are so revered and live such different lives that a normal, mundane, existence would probably get old and go sour within the first four hours. Can you imagine Barry Bonds cleaning the gutters of his house or fixing a grilled cheese for the baby girl. He would be madly insane before noon.

But the rumor is reported about a current unnamed Yankee and comes from a former Ft. Worth Star Telegram reporter. Said Yankee is reported to be invigorated and attributes his wife swapping to this new found energy, Now, let's connect the dots: Ft. Worth beat reporter, Yankee, what Yankee has Texas ties, hmmmm. Hint: Lone Ranger. Starts with A, ends with Rod.

This latest circulation hit home with me (not that I condone the swapping of wives, but I don't condemn), because a really stand-up dude is getting married this weekend. Marriage is one of those types of things that no matter how much you have prepared (I shacked damn near longer than I have been married), you will never be prepared. No matter how well you may know your future spouse, you will never know everything. Marriage is the type of thing I will only do once. It only took one root canal for me to realize that I have to take care of the chicklets (teeth) so I won't have to go back. But I digress.

Wife swapping has to have its merits. Fox has a reality show with the heads up trading theme. So if it has hit mainstream reality TV, then it can't be bad. Now I'm not saying that I am looking to throw my girl into the ring, but I am intrigued by the activity itself. My curiosity is purely for research sake. Heeheehee. With my luck, I could probably only be able to trade for that dreaded 'player to be named later'.

For those that could not fathom the thought of the back of their betroth being blown out by some other dude or your sweetheart doing her best Pan the Magic Flute while you are on the sidelines, then swapping may not be a good idea. There are some that have a strong need for fresh pie (sic). Some men need (crave) a variety, those are just the freaks that get married and close their eyes real tight during sex with the wife and thinks of the neighbors wife, whether she is good looking or not. There are those in the married ranks that choose to be selfish and cheat. Now that is not cool. If you are bold enough to creep, then at least allow the significant other to get their thing on too. Thus swapping.

How does that conversation begin. "Hey would you guys like to come over and swap?" Or, "Bill, I have been watching you looking at my girl and I think your girl could really go hard in the paint ...". How do you broach the subject with anyone to be involved?
From what I understand there are parties, but again how do you find that comfortable place to offer up your spouse and also get equity in return.

I have scene those different shows that feature people with alternative lifestyles, but the people that consider that particular way of life are not really stunners. We would fantasize about going to a swap party where everybody is hot, like Eyes Wide Shut. But the reality is that most guys trying to swap their wives are trying to trade up, no guy is going to consider giving up his wife for a goon, unless he is married to a goon. Even at the nudist colonies, there is no good naked there.

If say, Hugh Hefner was swapping.... I'm in. Even if I have to throw my girl in the burlap sack and drag her to the grotto. But, say Cletus from the meth lab... er trailer park, is offering his leather mitt - I would have to decline.

I am a fairly plain guy. I have at least 10 pair of khaki's. So on spec, I would not be picked as a swapper. Swapping is for leather pants guy. Swapping is for a guy that can say that has been to a disco, at least twice. Swapping is for a guy that has a gold chain with a small spoon around his neck. That is so far removed from my world, but again, I can not condemn.

So I would say to anyone that is considering marriage or someone that may be realizing that their Ritz may just be a regular saltine, Keep it Fresh. If you need wigs, outfits whatever. Because if actual swapping has brought new life to a professional that has it all, a wig and a Nurse Betty outfit can do it for me.